Accountability
As mentioned Wednesday, this has been a challenging week. The time change and needing to wait kids out for going to sleep to let the tooth fairy visit left me with a sleep deprivation headache that became so bad it culminated in a violent eruption emptying my stomach of dinner and leaving my throat bleeding. Five days later I'm still feeling discomfort breathing from the strain the eruption put on my body around my ribs and collar bones. I've had to modify my workouts, but have still done something every day except Tuesday when I slept in and didn't have time before work and thought I'd make it up but didn't later in the day. Sadly, I've not left myself time to keep you updated here this week. I probably could have and perhaps should have made some evening updates. My evenings are pretty taken up, and I've been working on a book as well. I wanted to make sure to get back in here today and share how my week went and reconnect with the habit of making a quick update here.
Ponderings
My scripture study also saw a decrease this week as I needed my sleep to keep up with work and had less time in the mornings, not unloading the dishwasher to listen and being distracted by research for the book I'm working on leaving me often reading my minimum one verse for the night instead of more. I can't say that I think this is great, but I can say that I appreciate that I've still held on to making sure I get one verse as a place keeper and recognize I need to do better. I'm pleased that I haven't just let it go when I'm tired, but tell myself that one verse won't take long and I can do it.
Despite this drop off, I do have some insight to share. In 1 Nephi 14 and 15, Nephi is speaking with his brothers Laman and Lemuel who are perplexed by the meaning of things from their fathers dream and Nephi's explanation. Nephi asks them if they've inquired of the Lord. There reasoning is that the Lord doesn't make such things known to them, so why bother. I can really appreciate where they are coming from. In some ways it seems easier for Nephi as he has angelic visitations and dreams and visions of his own explaining what his father saw. He seems to get clear answers to his prayers and teaches his brothers that they simply need to be more faithful and ask. I recognize that we are all sinners and all have our struggles, but I think in my own life I am generally quite faithful, and yet I still often feel like Laman and Lemuel do in that God doesn't make anything known to me. So I can appreciate where they are at. They, like me, likely don't see themselves as bad people. Goodness, I remember this being a real struggle through my years in Primary being told that I could pray to know the church was true, pray to know we were led by a prophet, pray to know the Book of Mormon was true. I remember offering prayers often up through around the age of ten and never getting answer. My ten year-old self and younger was certainly not intentionally wicked or rebellious, but I suppose not diligent in following either. In any event, I had strong doubts that the church was true through my teenage years as a result of not receiving a clear answer in my younger years. It wasn't until I was seventeen and graduating highschool, ready to move out and leave the church, that I gave one last effort to ask. This time I determined that I needed to really become invested in knowing what I was praying about and ready to act on it. Upon completing reading through the full Book of Mormon, I recall kneeling in my room with the book still in my hands after having just read Moroni's promise at the end. I prayed and felt a deep feeling of peace come over me. I still never had an angelic visitation or vision, I didn't hear a voice, but I recognized the spirit communicating with me through peace. I knew it was true for the first time. The peace was wouldn't have even made sense otherwise. I had things I needed to change, I was ready to leave the faith. It wasn't the answer I wanted. But it was an answer. No longer did I feel that the heavens were closed to me entirely. Now, over 20 years later, I would generally say, I haven't heard the voice of God, I haven't had dreams or visions, I haven't conversed with angels. Yet, I have had the occasional small experience for me need where I have seen in my minds eye a solution to a problem - I'm thinking specifically of a time on my mission being lost in new area (long before Missionaries would have phones with GPS) with my new companion who just transferred in that day and didn't know our rural area in Wyoming at all yet. I prayed for help and with my eyes closed had a blurry image of a person and started getting impressions to turn right here, go straight there, left here until we ended up right at the place we were trying to get to. Unlike Laman and Lemuel, I can't say that the Lord doesn't make things known to me, just that my experiences feel lackluster compared to many scriptural accounts.
Be strong!
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I understand, When I was 17 I felt the burning in my bosom at a River Laurel conference testimony meeting. Up until then I just believed that my parents were on a good track with the way they lived. That was a pondering I can certainly feel a deep understanding of. I often think of my dad’s favourite scripture about pressing forward with a steadfastness in Christ and a perfect brightness of hope and a love of God and of all men. Be strong. Two weeks badly disrupted just now have left me starting overbuy that’s better than not starting over with exercise. It almost sounds like you had food poisoning.